An Eccentric Obsession
by idlemind367
Summary: A joke is played on the unknowing members of the company and like always it is soon laughed away, but will Gandalf's new obsession drive them all crazy before they finish their quest?
1. Frogs and Flowers

Frogs and Flowers

The company had been traveling for a few days now far into the woods, Bilbo had spent many days complaining about the lack of hankies and the infrequency and size of meals, which on a point all the dwarfs had to agree. Meals were rather infrequent and they were rather small. Of course Bofur's cooking did not help matters much. Sure he could make a good meal but after a while it became tiresome having to eat the same meal over and over again no matter how many names Bofur elected to call it.

"Don't tell me we're having mushroom stew again", Bombur grumbled as he poked at the contents of Bofur's thick, brown, unwelcoming stew, "We had it yesterday". Bofur looked up from his own bowl of stew and looked pointedly at Bombur.

"For your information it is bourgeon braise which is a completely different dish to that of which I have made before for starters the liquid is not as thick", the dwarf said expertly as he downed a small mouthful of ale. Bilbo was too polite to say anything but he was sure that bourgeon braise was a fancy name for fungus stroganoff, chunky toadstool soup and ultimately the dreaded mushroom stew. Still no matter what it was or how often he had eaten it Bilbo had long decided that the stew was better than nothing after all without his elevenses or second breakfast a hobbit had to eat at some point in time. Thorin looked expressionlessly at his food as Gandalf told his nephews tales of the olden days.

"Then whoosh", the wizard said waving his hands dramatically at a captivated audience, "He was turned into a slug, a sure lesson learnt that one should never challenge a wizard to a duel". Fili laughed loudly as Gandalf made a small bow for effect.

"Another", Kili laughed, "Please Gandalf another". The wizard glanced at Thorin who had set his empty bowl aside so that he may start smoking his pipe. Bilbo looked jealously at the smoke rings that the dwarf king blew, they by far outmatched any ring of smoke he had blown throughout his lifetime.

"I best think it is time to be getting on", Gandalf said to the two youngest members of the company, "We must be getting on at the crack of dawn as always", he added quickly seeing their disappointed faces, "No telling what may be living in these woods, getting closer with every break we take", the two young faces nodded in a disappointed agreement.

"Well I for one agree with Gandalf", Dwalin yawned as he stretched his cramped limbs, "Durin's beard", he cursed in what Bilbo recognised as his rather gruff voice, "This quest is going to be the end of me. Dwarfs weren't meant to ride ponies". Balin, Bifur and Gloin mumbled in agreement rubbing their sore muscles, shifting in their seats. A weeks – worth of riding did not agree with anyone not matter how accustomed to the pain they were. It wasn't long before each and every hobbit, wizard and dwarf (excluding Kili and Balin who had been chosen to watch the night for any danger) were asleep and snoring oblivious to the world around them. And boy was that the night that they realised they should have paid a little more attention to their surroundings because come morning and it would seem as if a twister had erupted in parts of their small camp taking not a thing but leaving many things where they should not be.

Bilbo cracked open his eyes in the early morning sun only to find them covered in a hard, mucus like substance.

"What the?" he mumbled aloud as he bolted upright raising his hands to his face and hair only to be dismayed in finding that they two were covered in streaks of the same dried substance and let out a small cry as he plucked about seven snails from the top of his hair. By the time he had managed to pluck another dozen snails from the rest of his hair most of the company had awoken and to Bilbo's immediate displeasure Bofur had burst out laughing as soon as he had caught site of the poor hobbit, Bilbo's only comfort was that Dwalin too had suffered the wrath of the night terror. His beard had been woven into tight braids with an array of lovely little pink flowers sticking out ever centimetre or so. By now as he watched Dwalin vainly attempt to pull the tightly woven flowers from his rather fine beard, Bofur had almost doubled over in laughter as he took a draught of ale from his private flask, only to send it flying in the air a small slug soaring with the wasted liquid.

"Kili!" yelled the startled dwarf as he quickly gathered the flask before any more of its contents were wasted. Kili however had sought refuge behind his older brother Fili and Dwalin's own brother Balin. The angry dwarf was getting nowhere near the youngest member of the company for the next few days as far as Bilbo could tell, judging from Fili's complete lack of knowledge concerning the bundles of worms in his own blond braids. Thorin had yet to wake up to the chaos surrounding his companions and Gandalf who always saw the funny side to Kili's mischief no matter how horrid it was, had started to strike a conversation with the snail that had poked it's head over the edge of his rather fine wizards had.

"Oh hello my dear sir", the wizard said happily, "What is your name?" Bilbo unfortunately did not hear the rest of the conversation as Thorin had finally cracked open his eyes to view the frog sitting on his cheek.

"Kili!" yelled the half amused half annoyed dwarf, "You have three seconds to get them off before I …" Thorin paused as one of the rather slimy frogs leapt into his outstretched mouth. Bilbo watched horrified as the dwarf king swallowed inconveniently as he turned three different shades of red each darker than the other.

"Kili!" he roared.


	2. Strange Aquaintence

Strange Acquaintance

"Have I told you about the time I meet a rather queer elfish king?" Gandalf was saying to the snail on his hat which he seemed to have adopted. Bilbo looked ahead to the front of the company. Dwalin and Balin were riding just in front of a fuming Thorin and his troublesome nephew.

"Really I don't know what came into you?" said the king gruffly, "And you Balin letting him get away with it". Kili laughed oblivious to his uncle's tone of voice.

"You're just mad because you ate the frog Uncle", Bilbo heard Fili say making sure he was far enough away from his uncle to dodge any blows but close enough to protect his little brother from his uncle's rage. But Thorin seemed to have only put on an unpleasant performance to uphold his kingly status and rebuke his nephew for his troublesome ways. Bilbo watched as Thorin deflated a little as his shoulders hunched forward.

"I can still taste the vile creature in my mouth", he muttered darkly. Kili laughed aloud as his uncle glowered at him, though the glower was a light and humours one, not as nearly threatening as it could have been. A couple of feet ahead Dwalin was still picking the flowers out of his beard grumbling to his brother about troublesome dwarfs and their need to pick on their fellow company members. Bilbo heard a low mutter about the need to respect your elders and the need to keep grubby paws to themselves. The little hobbit shook his head who knew dwarfs could be so touchy and at that precise moment there was a loud crack as Dwalin's head broke a small branch in two. There were a few short laughs before the dwarfs returned to their private conversations. But Bilbo was rather concerned about the twinkle that he had seen briefly in Dwalin's eye.

It wasn't long before they had reached midday and as they were all tired from the mornings rather eventful happenings. Gandalf was still talking to the snail and Bilbo was amazed that the wizard had not run out of conversation.

"And would you believe it my dear sir?" Gandalf said thrusting his staff in a dramatic representation of his story, "I merely waved my staff and they were gone, scurrying like rabbits in the wind tails between their hind legs. That will teach them to mess with a wizard when he was practising his spells. I believe it wasn't until later that afternoon when they changed back to their original forms, but they did make such cute rabbits, my dear sir you would have laughed". Kili and Fili grunted into their small meals and Bilbo could immediately tell that they wanted to forget that period of their lives forever. Dwalin however grunted in annoyance.

"Must you keep talking to that slimy creature?" he grumbled tearing another flower from his beard. One down another hundred to go, Bilbo counted mentally. Gandalf looked at the dwarf horrified.

"Why Mr Dwalin, Bartumus is no slimy creature and like yourself he possesses feelings. I would suggest you take back that rather rude remark".

"Okay, okay I take it back. The snail is not a slimy creature", Dwalin said through gritted teeth. Bilbo thought quietly to himself that from all his experiences with Dwalin, the dwarf was not the kind to take back a remark about anything but when facing Gandalf Dwalin was weary of the ever menacing staff. Bilbo couldn't blame him from what he had heard from Fili and Kili no one wanted to be on the receiving end on one of Gandalf's spells, good or bad.

"Much better", the wizard said returning to his conversation with the snail, Bartumus.

"He named the snail?" Bilbo heard Bofur whisper to Nori, "Why on earth did he name the snail?"

"Well it wasn't because he was going along with Kili's prank", Nori whispered back, "I mean this is going too far even for him". Bofur nodded in agreement.

"Gandalf is batty enough as it is and I don't think that this snail thing is good for him", the toymaker said picking at his axe, "I mean if we do run into a pack of orks I don't want our only wizard to be too obsessed with his snails to do anything. Besides I think he will drive Dwalin crazy before the end of this quest". Bilbo had to agree. He prayed that they would never be unfortunate enough to run across a pack of orks, but in the worst case scenario he had always imagined Gandalf saving the day.

"Let us just hope that this is all a simple faze and he will soon grow out of it", Dori added.

Soon they were on the road again with Dwalin and Gloin riding in front, followed by Fili and Kili, then Thorin and Balin, Bilbo and Bofur, Gandalf and poor Ori (for the unfortunate dwarf had to listen to Gandalf's rather uninteresting account of his life), Dori and Nori, Oin and Bifur and finally Bombur bringing up the rear.

"One of these days someone else must go last", complained the overweight dwarf bitterly, "Then they can see how much they like it". The small hobbit and other dwarfs ignored him as they rode on merrily through the woods. Bilbo had struck up a conversation with Bofur.

"So were you always a toymaker?" he asked.

"Aye", Bofur replied, "I'm sure some of the younger lads can tell you of the times they had playing with my fine creations. Though I also help in the mines a lot these days. Always in need of extra weapons us dwarfs", he said taking a draught from his private flask, before turning it upside down its contents all gone.

"Curse that troublesome lad", Bofur said replacing the flask with another, "One of these days someone is going to need to teach him a lesson".

"Yes, believe that is so", the hobbit said his hair still sticky with the snail slime. There was a large crack then a yelp further ahead and Bilbo looked to see Thorin on the ground pinned down by a rather large branch. Kili and Fili were laughing as Dwalin blushed in horror.

"I am so sorry, my king", he said as he hurried to help Thorin up, "I did not anticipate that Kili would doge the branch so fast". That caused the two brothers to laugh even harder.

"Do not fear Dwalin", Thorin said as he brushed himself off, "I believe my nephews will be laughing on the other side of their faces once I am done with them". Fili and Kili stopped laughing abruptly and urged their ponies to run ahead as quickly as they could, Thorin in hot pursuit. For the next half hour the company took advantage of the situation allowing themselves a short break as Thorin chased his two nephews down until he was short of breath, then they were on their way Dwalin now seated next to Gandalf in what might have been punishment as Thorin knew very well about the dwarf's annoyance at the snail.


	3. Company Death

Company Death

They were running slightly behind schedule due to Thorin's most recent outburst at his two nephews the youngest in particular. It had all started out when the two ambushed Gandalf in a vain attempt to rid the company of the snail. Bilbo had watched shocked as the wizard quickly turned with a disturbing glint in his eye before blasting a spell at the pair who ducked as the spell flew past only to hit their already mad uncle in the face. After a few hurried attempts to fix the spell Gandalf helped his old friend to his feet just as Fili discovered the dirty, brown worms crawling in his blond hair which Kili had planted days earlier.

"Kili!" they both roared simultaneously but any further perusal was lost as the usually nimble dwarf had scaled a tree before any harm could come to him. Bilbo shook his head as he watched the young dwarf now firmly planted between his brother and uncle with not a chance of escape.

"That young laddie has always been a bit of a handful", Bofur said happily as he rode beside the hobbit, "Even when he was a little tyke and could barely walk he could still manage to create enough havoc to bring a whole village down and mind you at one point he almost did", Bofur continued but Bilbo was no longer listening he had just spied a movement to his far right but it was getting closer by the second. Gloin was the first to realise the threat.

"Orks!" cried the dwarf as he grabbed his axe as he jumped off his pony closely followed by the rest of the company.

"By Duran's beard", came a surprising curse from the rather timid Ori, "They've got wargs!" Bilbo groaned as this was only too true. The dwarfs quickly gave their horses to Fili and Kili so the pair could lead their steeds to safety but Bilbo silently thought it was mostly to get them out of harm's way. Though the two were perfectly capable of looking after themselves Bilbo had seen that Thorin more than most poised as an overprotective blanket over the two brothers, which was most likely due to his blood tie to the troublesome pair. As soon as the two were out of the way the rest of the company drew their weapons and formed a tight circle with Bilbo smack bang in the centre.

"Couldn't we have sent him with the Fili and Kili?" Gloin groaned as he felt Bilbo elbow him in the back quite by accident. Thorin grunted and did not answer the question the first orks were upon them. As Dori struck the first fatal blow the small battle ground turned silent. Then out of nowhere Bilbo heard a loud crunch and the ork responsible wiped the remanets of the snail from its shoe.

"Why", Gandalf said outraged, "That was Bartumus Lucius Maximus the third". The ork just looked at the wizard dully as the rest of the field broke out into chaos.

"Have at thee", then Bilbo witnessed as the rather well-meaning Gandalf shoved his brightly lit staff into the ork's face knocking it back at least five feet. The battle from there on out went in the favour of the company and it went on until the orks were slain or ran in defeat. Gandalf was devastated over the death of his friend but all the others were relived Bilbo included, that was until dinner when another snail had crawled its way onto Gandalf's hat.


	4. Mistaken Idenity

Mistaken Identity

Bilbo was on watch with a rather vengeful Fili. It had taken most of the evening for Thorin to pick the remaining worms out of the dwarf's hair pulling out one or two of his tightly woven braids which were obviously sentimental.

"Why do all of you have braids except for Balin and Kili?" Bilbo asked curious as the blond dwarf redid his hair.

"Well Balin used to have a few when he was younger but as he grew older his hair became too fine to hold its shape", Fili explained.

"And Kili?" Bilbo prompted. Fili shook his head.

"Kili refuses to have his hair braided just as he refuses to grow a decent beard. You see it all started a while ago when the two of us did wagered that there was absolutely no chance that uncle would wake up if a bucket of water just happened to find its way to him over the night. I wagered that he would wake and Kili wagered he wouldn't. If he won then I had to pour water on a sleepy Dwalin but if I won then Kili had to do it. As it happened uncle furiously awoke after we poured the water on his head, after chasing us for a few hours then threatening if we ever doused anyone in water again we would lose our heads I prepared to collect my wager. Apparently uncle's words had gotten to my younger brother and he promptly refused to continue with the plan. I had to prod for hours before he finally said that he would uphold his end of the wager when his hair was braided or beard and I believe that since he refuses to either grow his beard or have his hair braided the brave Kili is still afraid of big bad Thorin".

"Oh", said Bilbo simply then, "What are you doing?" Fili smiled mischievously as he burrowed around in the surrounding leaf scrub.

"Oh just looking", said the dwarf prince innocently, "It's nothing really". Later Bilbo watched sleepily as Fili drew a few sooty words onto his brother's forehead.

The next morning Bilbo watched in amusement as Kili walked around the small campsite looking at the rest of the company confused as they pointed and laughed at him as they each caught sight of the words Fili had lovingly printed onto the youngest dwarf's face.

"What are you all looking at?" Kili whined as he caught sight of Thorin looking at him with a large goofy smile on his face, "Come on anyone?" Bilbo took another look at the words printed onto Kili's head. Very majestic, he thought as he held back his laughter, and the mono brow is a nice touch. Bilbo did notice the lack of comment from Dwalin however he looked around but could not spy the dwarf anywhere.

"Bloody snails", Balin cursed as he tried to squash one before Gandalf caught sight of it, "They're too quick", he added as his foot missed the creature by another millimetre.

"Gosh", Bofur exclaimed, "Where on earth did it learn that?"

"What?" Thorin asked as he half watched his nephews fight each other.

"To swear like that of course!" the toymaker said. Balin just stopped at it repeatedly.

"Well I don't care what it is saying I just want it gone", said the old dwarf rather menacingly, "Where is Dwalin when you need him?"

"Ah about that", Gandalf said raising a finger but he was interrupted by a loud exclamation from Bofur.

"In what lifetime did it hear that!?" he exclaimed almost tipping the ale out of his flask, "I haven't heard that curse since Kili said it". Bofur turned a slightly red as Thorin looked in his direction.

"Kili what?" the king said menacingly.

"Did I say something?" Bofur said hurriedly, "I don't remember saying anything". Thorin glowered at him.

"Kili what?" he repeated but was distracted by a sharp crack as Dwalin reverted to his original form.

"Durin's beard!" Balin exclaimed, "I'm sorry brother I did not mean to squash you!" Dwalin just grunted and glared at Gandalf.

"All I did was place a spell on Bartumus the eleventh so that whoever squashed him would turn into a snail. I've lost so many of them recently", the wizard said simply as he patted the snail on his hat, "Isn't that right Bartumus the twelfth?" The snail seemed to nod in agreement. Dwalin groaned.

"Well it has been nice having you but I suppose the party is over", Gandalf said sadly as he released his snails into the forest, "I must be getting on, farewell". There was a brief moment of confused silence before Gandalf looked at Thorin who had managed to pull apart the quarrelling brothers.

"Are we getting on?" the wizard said as he mounted his horse, "Or are you all just going to sit and watch?" and with those last few words the company headed into the distance preparing for the task ahead.


End file.
